Chuchu

I am done with the new blog! Wahaha! ( gone siao -_- )

Yes yes, everyone who cares, go and check the banner out! Because Pea spent lots of effort on it and all and it looks really damn chio! Actually I thought the whole layout looks pretty cool. Heh. =D

Haha, and now everybody can make comments! Yes. Anyone and they won't have to make an account anywhere and stuff like that!

But I decided that besides blogging there, since vox can import posts, I think I should be able to post here too. Anyway I was never planning to just leave vox just like that but I thought I wouldn't be blogging here anymore but still log in to make comments and all.

Also because I'm not sure people are able to go view the new blog cause I can't find it on google. Don't really know what's the problem either. Oh well.

Ahhhhhh...... I yakked so much and I haven't even put the link down. Anyway here's the link: http://catsguysandlife.blogspot.com

Do tell me if you are able to view it. =]]]

Sorry for the disappearance! Haha not that anybody really cares la -_-"

But the reason for it, is because I have been working on moving my blog to someplace better.

Yes, vox may be very user friendly and good for the html noobs ( like me! ) BUT there are afew cons about it that irritate me to no end.

Like the fact that only people who have vox accounts can comment. Wtf is up with that la?? Don't they realise how inconvenient that is??? I feel really bad when people who commented on some of my posts had to specially make a vox account just to do so.

Then the width of the sidebar is such an eyesore. So small that either you can't put most widgets or you have to resize them to a smaller size. Argh.

And you can't really personalised your vox blog much. And that is also why vox is good for html noobs, because everything is set up and ready for you.

I also didn't like the groups thing much. I don't find them very active.

The few things I did like about vox is the neighborhood thing. I like it so much I am linking my vox neighbours on my new blog so that I'll know when they update. ^_^

I'm not yet done with the new blogging platform because I'm still learning how to set up some stuff but when I am I'll be sure to announce it here! =] 

Amazing how my cat knows when I'm upset and can even do her best to comfort me whereas my sucky family don't do a shit. Not only is life the pits. They are the pits too.

The last round when my family upsetted me and hence the previous depressing post, I was sleeping cause that's much better than staying awake and feeling more depress, Bianbian actually came up to my bed and did her kneading thing on me. I forgot whether she was kneading my head pillow or my stomach. Anyway she rarely ever does that. It was only because I was so upset that day.

Just to wake up to see her happily kneading away and purring too. Lol. Can't help but smile at that. And I really do feel that each time she kneads, it is as if she is trying to tell me to feel better.

I'm starting to really hate family outings. Today sucked so badly too because it seems to be too hard for my family to keep their foul mouth to themselves and not spoil my mood for once. It's like we can never even have a pleasant outing because they can't keep their big mouth shut. Hey I may sprout vulgarities that are obviously foul, but it takes much more 'talent' to be able to say things without any vulgarities yet sound so much more foul.

Funny how when I was young, mother was always saying this phrase, ' If you have nothing good to say, then don't say. ' Yah, people are always forever telling you stuff they themselves don't practise. Dunno why this is the case.

Must tell myself to avoid eating with them as much as possible. Never fail to spoil my appetite with their foul remarks about everything including me. I dunno why I eat food also must come and make me until so unhappy.

Eh, father? Do you feel happy after you open your stupid mouth and make your sacastic comments mah? Do you feel even more happier when you are still making your foul remarks when I am trying my best to still continue eating and keeping my food down? Is that what you want? To make your own daughter so unhappy that you have officially ruin her appetite and her mood for the whole day??? Well, congrats. You never fail to achieve that. 

Most of the times I really wish I could just yell at him and say ' Would it fucking kill you to keep your mouth shut and let me eat in peace for once!!! ' I guess that's too much to ask for.

Funny how he is so eager to please everybody except his own family. Own family never mind la can treat like shit ah. Make mother give him lots of money to gamble shares never mind la. Money drop from the sky mah. Huh money to gamble his shares more important than money wasted on food I didn't finish cause I got small apetite. Ask me to order kid's meal if possible.

Well, I'm fucking sorry if I wasted your precious money on a stupid bowl of noodles I couldn't finish, when you could have used that money to go and 'invest' in your fucking shares again k!!! I will try to never eat food when you are around and da pao my food home so I don't waste your fucking money and eat everything up can???  

Sometimes I wish I could just give up. But life still goes on. Even when you are at the pits, it still goes on.

I told Pea what I would give to be able to start all over again. I said I would even give my soul. It doesn't have to be at the beginning. It just has to be before all the abuse started.

Then maybe I would have had a normal life. Instead of only wishing for a normal one.

I know that when you fall down... you are suppose to pick yourself up.

But maybe when you've fallen too many times... you don't want to get up anymore.

At moments like these, I feel very tired of life.. of everything.. when all the nightmarish times of being abuse comes back.

I keep wonder how unfair it is that the victims suffer so much but the abusers live their life carefreely.

The only thing that keeps me hanging on...

is this face.

Mummy, I'll always be by your side.

 Even if everyone left me. She'll be right by my side.

When I look at her, she looks back at me and makes her squirrel sounds, it is the only thing that comforts me. 

Think it was back in jan or feb when Bianbian decided to mature into a lady cat at 11 months old and started her awful yowling.

I could barely catch any sleep during that period. She has always been more active at night and when she was in heat it was even worse because she would be wailing throughout the whole night and I kept getting up to sayang her. To me even though I was so tired it was still alright because nothing is more important than her. Not even my beauty sleep. Lol.

But then I felt like she was very poor thing because she was yowling and crying so pitifully everyday. So I decided to sent her to the vet to get her sterilised...

So I sent her to this geylang pet clinic. Which was a utter disaster. She was in such a poor state when I went to fetch her back home. My baby looked soggy, her fur was messed up and she smelled bad. Apparently they told me that she shitted and peed while they were doing the surgery thats why her fur so dirty and smelled bad. Then cannot wipe her with a warm towel or something ah??? Or at least clean her up a little. My poor Bianbian. Trust them with my cat then still dare to give her back to me in this state.

It was my mistake to bring her there and I should have brought her to the ava clinic near my house. I believe the shorty vet there would have handled her better.

So that day when I brought her home, because she looked so poor thing, I put her in the ikea pet bed that was meant for mum's dogs. 

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She doesn't look soggy and messed up here because I kept wiping her down with warm towels as I couldn't bathe her after the surgery. Before cleaning her, her white socks had turned into yellow socks. Wtf. I had to wipe her paws like a million times before they started looking white again.

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I think because her abdomen hurt and she felt pain, so she kept changing sleeping positions. Ke lian. It was so heart pain to see her like that. =(

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It's not visible in the pictures but her lower abdomen is totally shaved and her arm was not spared either. They shaved a part off and I didn't even noticed it till afew days later. -_-"

Thank goodness her beautiful fur has all grown back now. And she has totally recovered from that incident. =D

Lesson learnt. Never go to the clinic for pets at Geylang ever again! 

Hehe the wonders of carrying forward your post as taught by Pea. Comes in hand when I am too lazy to blog.

Anyway, who can get tired of looking at Bianbian huh. =P 

I can act shy too

2 comments

Haha cute right? This was when she haven't gone for sterilisation yet and so, her fur is still nice looking instead of looking destroyed.

Gimme a hug?

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Almost getting too big to fit in my lap. I miss the time when she was tiny.

So much easier to hold. Now so fat cannot cradle like baby anymore. 

If only cats could stay kitten size. Haha then suit me more since I'm so much like a dwaft. Wtf.

I don't know if it is just me but this few days I find that my vision is blurry? Like there is a invisible fog.

I keep dropping eye drops but it doesn't seem to be clearing up... I hope this doesn't mean my eyesight is deteriorating... after going through the traumatising horror experience that is Lasik.. maybe I should go check on my eyes soon.

I'm trying to sleep now but I can't. First reason is that I keep thinking about so many things... and second is because it is so fucking hot that I got a neck ache after laying down. Then when I get a neck ache, it will soon progress into a headache. Bloody sian. I miss my lousy air con! =(((

Come on man it isn't that I'm high maintenance but when you have hair as long and as thick as mine... then you'll understand.

Anyway. Since I am up with neck ache and headache I might as well talk about the first cat movie I have ever gotten to watch! So excited.

I think it is the only cat movie I know of in my whole life? Besides Garfield. But he's not even a real cat so that doesn't count la.

Why people don't make more cat movies??? Why always making stupid dog ones instead??? So bias la. Argh.

Anyway... I watched Gugu the Cat on youtube. ( Yes I am a shitty person for not supporting it by watching it in the cinemas! * looks down shamefully * But I think it was lucky I didn't because I kept crying throughout the whole show... even when they weren't showing a sad scene I was still crying. Wtf. -_-" I am a basket case. ) 

Cover picture

I think this is the cover photo for the movie? So cute right?? But which kitten isn't I guess...

The main lead in the show is about this woman call Asako who is a comic artist whose cat named Saba died. Then she becomes all depressy because the cat has been with her for very long.

I found the way they made Saba died so corny. Before she dies, she became a human gal and said bye to her mistress as a ghost or something.

Cat then cat mah. Why must the cat become a human after it dies?? Cheyer.

Yah, so she goes to a pet shop and buys this new kitty to fill up the emptiness that she feels after her cat's death.

Actually I think the way she found Saba more meaningful because Saba was a stray kitten.

Asako with Gu Gu

This is the main character with Gu Gu! At least the kitty has a really cute name. Haha I want to call my future kitty Gu Gu too!

Gu Gu in a box

And this was when she first brought Gu Gu home. Kinda susprise to know that in japan, apparently when you buy a kitten, they put the kitten in a box that has handles for you to hold onto to carry it home.

I thought only small rodents get put into a box... @_@

Gu Gu sleeping upside down

1 comment

More cute pictures of Gu Gu.

Gu Gu on table

The story then goes on to involve the life of her assitant, Naomi. And her love interest Seiji who strikes me as a sorta obnoxious kinda person and I don't like him.

Naomi with Gu Gu

This is Naomi sleeping on the couch with Gu Gu. In the show, she is woken up by Gu Gu humping her leg. Which is the only hint in the show that tells you Gu Gu is a boy unlike Saba.

But I don't really think that male cats hump loh. They are not as perverted as dogs.

Asako, Naomi and Gu Gu

My most favourite scene! =D

When Naomi visits Asako who is in hospital, and she opens her jacket to have Gu Gu's cute chubby head pop out. Look at that face! Awww... 

Near the end of the story, Asako gets cervix cancer and she thinks she is going to die until she can even dream about meeting and having a talk with Saba... in her human form of course which still icks me to no end. I would rather see the cat with speech bubbles on top of its head.

This angmoh guy in the show who is suppose to be a Shinigami ( Death God ) is the one who brings her to see her cat to have her supposingly 'last talk' before she dies. 

But she never die la. Then at the end of the story, the meaning behind her cat's name is revealed cause during the whole story she don't want to tell anyone what Gu Gu means.

And I think this must be like the worse part of the whole show. Lol. Seriously. Because the name is revealed by this really corny song that is sung in the ending. 

Anyways......  turns out Gu Gu means....... Good Good. Lol.

Last night I was playing with Bian with this new toy I got back for her from malaysia.

It was one of those cat things where you hold this stick and a toy mouse would be dangling from a string attached to one end of it.

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Just like this

Anyway turns out she likes this toy out of all the toys I got back for her.

So I flung the mouse out like how people do when they fish and Bian grabbed hold onto the mouse with her teeth.

Anxious that she would bite the string away so she could run away with the mouse, I quickly yak hard on my end of the stick.

Only to have the mouse come flying back to hit me hard on both eyeballs. Wtf. I don't even get how a thing so small can hit me on both my eyeballs. The size of it, should just be right for one. Unless it bounced off one eyeball and then hit the other. -_-"

Then there was this undescribable intense pain. I just hoped at the moment I wasn't going to go blind for such a stupid action.

After I was done clutching at my eyes, I tried to open them and my vision was blurrier than usual. Wtf. And since it still hurt quite badly I decided it was better to go and sleep. As if there was anything else I could do. Argh.

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The culprit!  

I did some research today on why abuse victims go back to their abusers and found some articles that helped me understand things better.

http://www.enotalone.com/article/4113.html

The article below came from the website above.

Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship. Try telling a new Marine that since he or she has survived boot camp, they should now enroll in the National Guard! Several types of investments keep us in the bad relationship:

Emotional Investment – We’ve invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see the relationship through to the finish.

Social Investment – We’ve got our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we remain in the relationship.

Family Investments – If children are present in the relationship, decisions regarding the relationship are clouded by the status and needs of the children.

Financial Investment – In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation. Many victims remain in a bad relationship, waiting for a better financial situation to develop that would make their departure and detachment easier.

Lifestyle Investment – Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an investment. Victims in this situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle.

Intimacy Investment – We often invest emotional and sexual intimacy. Some victims have experienced a destruction of their emotional and/or sexual self-esteem in the unhealthy relationship. The abusing partner may threaten to spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. A type of blackmail using intimacy is often found in these situations.

In many cases, it’s not simply our feelings for an individual that keeps us in an unhealthy relationship - it’s often the amount of investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see the tip of the iceberg in public. For this reason, the most common phrase offered by the victim in defense of their unhealthy relationship is “You just don’t understand!”

Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions

The combination of “Stockholm Syndrome” and “cognitive dissonance” produces a victim who firmly believes the relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for their survival. The victim feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. In long-term relationships, the victims have invested everything and placed “all their eggs in one basket”. The relationship now decides their level of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health.

For reasons described above, the victim feels family and friends are a threat to the relationship and eventually to their personal health and existence. The more family/friends protest the controlling and abusive nature of the relationship, the more the victim develops cognitive dissonance and becomes defensive. At this point, family and friends become victims of the abusive and controlling individual.

Importantly, both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop on an involuntary basis. The victim does not purposely invent this attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and survive in a threatening and controlling environment and relationship. Despite what we might think, our loved one is not in the unhealthy relationship to irritate, embarrass, or drive us to drink. What might have began as a normal relationship has turned into a controlling and abusive situation. They are trying to survive. Their personality is developing the feelings and thoughts needed to survive the situation and lower their emotional and physical risks. All of us have developed attitudes and feelings that help us accept and survive situations. We have these attitudes/feelings about our jobs, our community, and other aspects of our life. As we have found throughout history, the more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts to survive. The victim is engaged in an attempt to survive and make a relationship work. Once they decide it doesn’t work and can’t be fixed, they will need our support as we patiently await their decision to return to a healthy and positive lifestyle.

Final Thoughts

You may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking an understanding of your feelings and attitudes. You may have a son, daughter, or friend currently involved with a controlling and abusive partner, looking for ways to understand and help.

If a loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing partner, the long-term outcome is difficult to determine due to the many factors involved. If their relationship is in the “dating” phase, they may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year, they may require support and an exit plan before ending the relationship. Marriage and children further complicates their ability to leave the situation. When the victim decides to end the unhappy relationship, it’s important that they view loved ones as supportive, loving, and understanding – not a source of pressure, guilt, or aggression.

This article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and attitudes that are as puzzling to the victim as they are to family and friends. I’ve outlined recommendations for detaching from a Loser or controlling/abusive individual (www.drjoecarver.com) but clearly, there are more victims in this situation. It is hoped this article is helpful to family and friends who worry, cry, and have difficulty understanding the situation of their loved one. It has been said that knowledge is power. Hopefully this knowledge will prove helpful and powerful to victims and their loved ones.

Please consider this article as a general guideline. Some recommendations may be appropriate and helpful while some may not apply to a specific situation. In many cases, we may need additional professional help of a mental health or legal nature.

I have been wondering a long while now whether I am alright psychologically and mentally and after reading afew articles I think I may not be alright at all.

It is hard for myself to understand why I keep going back to an abuser but I think I understand it all a little better now.

I think one of the reasons why is cause I feel rejected back home... rejected by my family... I don't really feel like I am loved or supported there... I think thats why?

Its kinda hard to be analysing your ownself when you are the one sick. I guess it is sorta like a blind person trying to see?

I found another really good article on abusive relationships and the writer of the article names the abuser as ' losers ' in his article.

I do not really expect anyone to read these articles because it is very long and it is not something that affects them so the articles are mainly for myself as reference. To know what is wrong with me. And maybe how to seek help.

Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

"The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

1. Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

9. No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".

12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.

15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.

16. The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

20. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done.

Dangerous Versions of "The Loser"

There are more severe if not dangerous versions of "The Loser" that have been identified over the years. If you are involved in a relationship with one of these versions, you may require professional and legal assistance to save yourself.

Physical Abuser Physical abusers begin the relationship with physical moving - shoving, pushing, forcing, etc. That quickly moves into verbal threats with physical gestures - the finger in the face, clinched fist in the face, and voiced physical threats such as "You make me want to break your face!" Eventually, these combine to form actual physical abuse - hitting, slapping, and kicking. "The Loser" is always sorry the next day and begins the mean-then-sweet cycle all over again. Getting away from physical abusers often requires the assistance of family, law enforcement agencies, or local abuse agencies. Female losers often physically attack their partner, break car windows, or behave with such violence that the male partner is forced to physically protect himself from the assault. If the female loser is bruised in the process of self-protection, as when physically restraining her from hitting, those bruises are then "displayed" to others as evidence of what a bad person the partner is and how abusive they have been in the relationship.

Psychotic Losers There are losers that are severely ill in a psychiatric sense - the movie description of the "Fatal Attraction". Some may tell you wild stories and try to convince you that they are connected to The Mob or a government agency (CIA, FBI, etc.). They may fake terminal illness, pregnancy, or disease. They intimidate and frighten you with comments such as "I can have anyone killed..." or "No one leaves a relationship with me...". If you try to end the relationship, they react violently and give you the impression that you, your friends, or your family are in serious danger. People often then remain in the abusive and controlling relationship due to fear of harm to their family or their reputation. While such fears are unrealistic as "The Loser" is only interested in controlling you, those fears feel very real when combined with the other characteristics of "The Loser".

Psychotic or psychiatrically ill losers may also stalk, follow, or harass you. They may threaten physical violence, show weapons, or threaten to kill you or themselves if you leave them. If you try to date others, they may follow you or threaten your new date. Your new date may be subjected to phone harassment, vandalism, threats, and even physical assaults. If you are recently divorced, separated, or recently ended another relationship, "The Loser" may be intimidating toward your ex-partner, fearing you might return if the other partner is not "scared off". Just remember - everything "The Loser" has ever done to anyone will be coming your way. "The Loser" may send you pictures of you, your children, or your family - pictures they have taken secretly - hinting that they can "reach out and touch" those you love. You may need help and legal action to separate from these individuals.

Guidelines for Detachment

Separating from "The Loser" often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment

During this part of separating from "The Loser", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Loser" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should...

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Loser" works.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If "The Loser" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Loser".

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As "The Loser" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

Ending the Relationship

Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.

- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.

Follow-up Protection

"The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:

- Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.

- Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.

- Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.

- In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it."

- When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal!

- Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.

Summary

In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Loser", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Loser" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship with "The Loser" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence.

If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Loser". 

One more link I would like to save here is this

 http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page6.html

And this paragraph quote I took from somewhere

"I only wanted you to be happy." Really? Yes, perhaps that's true. You wanted me to be happy 'owned' by you. You wanted me to be happy without any 'life' left in me. You wanted me to be happy in giving up my world and dying for you. You wanted me to be happily enslaved by you. If you truly wanted me to be happy, then why do you rule me, abuse me, hold me prisoner, use me, keep me? Why do you make me needy? Why do you steal all my options, all my freedom, all my independence, so I have to be totally dependent on you? Why do you deprave me of the very air I need to breathe? Why have you crushed my spirit? Why am I an empty shell where there once was life? Was not your point to enslave me psychologically? To have absolute and unrestricted control over me? To annihilate my self-esteem so I wouldn't leave you? To become more manageable of me?

What's the ugliest thing in the world to you?

To me...

Its human nature. Nothing can be uglier than that.

I am no saint.

But what some people can do or say...

It really stuns me.

I am not a good person.

But there are many others who are much worse than me.

Isn't it ironic that people are so much more smarter than animals...

And yet they behave so much more worse than them.

And this is the life we are to live.

How disheartening.

I have a jaded view of life. Most of what I think and see is always dark to me and seldom does sunlight come through.

A little bit of sunlight came through the other day though.

Constantly seeing the ugly nature of people everyday, it was a refreshing change for once.

He is just a old man. He works at one of the hawker stalls. When he brings the food to people, he can just take the money they give, say thanks and just walk away.

Instead, without fail, I always see that he smiles a big genuine smile and makes small talk with people hoping to brighten their day with a joke or entertain them so that they too end up with a smile on their face.

I am glad that there are still people with a good heart out there.